Once upon a time, in a field far away from where you or I know, there lived three billy goatmen. Now, goatmen look a bit like you or I, standing tall on two legs, with goat fur and goat faces. They even live in houses like you or I.
This was the Gruff family, and these three goatmen were brothers. They had only recently moved here. It was a little chilly out, the fire was on and just like you or I do, the three goatmen were sitting around on their phones, checking Facebook and Twitter and all that.
The smallest billy goatman, the youngest piped up, "Oh sweet, party on this weekend, I'm so going! Event's just gone up on Facebook!"
The middle one, who was the middle goat replied, "Where's that at? I didn't receive no invite!"
The smallest one blurted out, "You're too old anyway, and it's down in Sheeptown."
"Fuck Sheeptown. Fuck that shit.", replied the middle goat, turning to the biggest goat, "Anyway, what you looking at, big billy goat man?"
"Man, I'm on the motherfucking IKEA website. There's a sale on and we need new bookshelves. And I can see one with our name on it." said the biggest goatman, who was the oldest.
"Mmm, IKEA. Next time we go, I'm definitely getting me some meatballs. Hit me up with that shit.", said the middle goat.
"Ey, little one!", shouted the big goat to the little one, "You know, seeing as you're so helpful and all, and going off on all these parties and shit, you may have noticed our provisions are a little on the bare side. And since, we billy goatmen need to eat, why don't you go get us some food?"
The smallest goat said, "In a minute, goddamnit!"
The big goatman fumed. "Did someone just shit in my mouth? Now, you little asswipe! Get the fuck offa Facebook. Maybe you don't wanna eat!"
"Okay, okay, okay. Jesus!", said the little goat.
The little goat continued using his phone, tapping swiping while the two bigger goats looked on.
"What are you doing now?", shouted the big goat.
"Shopping? I'm on the website? Jesus Christ, man.", answered the little goat.
"My ass you're on that website!", the big goat retorted.
"Go to Hell, you fucking jerk.", spat the little goat, who raised his middle finger to the big goat.
"You know your momma woulda washed that mouth out by now.", said the middle goat.
"Well, momma's dead, so I say what I like. Look, I'm doing the shopping, chill the fuck out guys.", the little goat replied.
The little goat continued shopping on his phone, getting essentials, a few extra luxury bits, some toilet paper and went to the checkout to pay and arrange delivery. After entering the payment details, he entered his address and a message came on screen:
"Sorry, Super Hypermart does not currently deliver to your address. Please select another location."
"Erm, guys? Super Hypermart doesn't deliver. I can't do the shopping." said the little goat.
The big goat replied, "Did I just hear that right? You can't get it online, so you can't do the shopping? You know, when I look out the window, I just happen to see a Super Hypermart conveniently just over the crest of the hill, which places said store within a reasonable walking range. So when you say you can't do the shopping, I see a little crying asshole who needs to get his little goat ass out there; I mean, motherfucking shopping ain't gonna do itself, so why are you still here? Get the fuck out."
"What, now?", asked the little goat.
"Do you look at my face and think I'm gonna say, 'No, wait, forget that shit, shit can wait', no, this is the face that says, you get walking else I'm gonna kick you there. Now, asshole."
The little goatman reluctantly puts on his coat and begins the walk to the Super Hypermart. There was a dirt road all the way there, and to release his tension, he boots any loose stones as hard as he can. His elder brothers looked after him, but they were hard on him. After losing their parents, they banded together and vowed to look after each other, growing up early - some may say far too early.
Along the path, there was a large wooden bridge, crossing a deep gulley where a river had cut through. The bridge was wide and sturdy and the little goat began to walk across, his hooves trip trapping on the wood of the bridge as he walked.
Just then, he had a message to his phone. His brothers wanting to add more things to the list, no doubt. But it wasn't. It was a tweet, from someone he didn't recognise.
He had no idea who it was. But he was all alone and it wasn't a good feeling to be stalked. Someone was tweeting him, but could also see him. He looked around, but couldn't see anyone around at all.
Now, this was getting a little terrifying. So the little billy goat replied.
"U don't scare me."
And suddenly, there was a massive, booming ROAR that shook the bridge. The little goat, absolutely frightened, turned and ran back home!
As he ran back, he was still getting messages to his phone.
They were taunting him, mocking him. How did he find him online? And how could he see the little goat on the bridge and stay hidden from view?
The little goat got home, shaking, terrified. The big goat looked at him, noticed he hadn't got any shopping and glared.
"Where is the shopping? I noticed you have returned without any. Did I or did I not tell you go shopping?", bellowed the big goat?
The little goat just stood there, shaking. His phone sounded out more alerts.
"What, you don't speak now?", shouted the big goat.
The middle goat interrupted, "Give him a break, man, look at him, he's scared of some shit."
The middle goat turned to the little goat and said, "Come over here, tell me what's going on. Big goat, put on some tea. Let's sort this shit out."
Stumbling, wobbling, the little goat came over and sat down.
"Now, what's going on, little brother?", asked the middle goat.
"I was... walking to the supermarket... came to a bridge... someone tweeted me... said he could see me.", the little goat cried, "He said he was gonna eat me... was scary and shit... didn't believe he was there... then he roared... was really loud... I just ran... kept on tweeting me.", the little goat mumbled.
"Give me your phone, let me look at them tweets.", asked the middle goat.
So the little goat handed over his phone and the middle goatman read through them.
"He's still tweeting you. How did he get your name?" the middle goat inquired.
"I don't know! I don't know where he got it from!", cried the little goatman.
Just then, the big goat brought over mugs of hot tea.
"What is this shit?", he asked, "Ain't nothing in this world gonna scare me about going over no bridge. You gotta toughen up kid."
"Look at him, man, leave him be. He's still a kid. I mean, literally, a kid. So, fuck it, I'm going out to Super Hypermart. While I'm gone, don't fuck him up any more, OK. You just cool that hot head of yours while I sort this shit out.", said the middle goat.
Handing the little one's phone back, the middle goat put his coat on, got the shopping list and said to the little goatman:
"You're safe now. Just block that asshole."
Out went the middle goat, and off he walked along the dirt path up to the bridge. He knew something was there, but he was a little bigger, more sure of himself, more confident - he could handle idle threats a little better.
Soon, he reached the big wooden bridge, and as he walked across, he had a message to his phone.
The mystery tweeter had his name too! And started sending him more and more tweets!
The middle goat replied:
"You think you can scare me like you did him, are you man enough to show yourself asshole?"
And from underneath the bridge, a voice bellowed, "Are you man enough to handle me? Goatboy? Are you for serious? The bones of all who defy me are down here. I have long ago sucked them clean of their meat. Very well, I'm coming to eat you now!"
There was a crashing noise coming closer. The middle goat gulped. And just then...
By the left side of the bridge, a big hairy hand appeared, greasy, smelly. And up popped its head. It was a fearsome, hideous troll!
The middle goatman froze as the troll continued to climb. Then when he came to his senses, he turned and fled!
The troll bellowed back, "Knew you would! Think again before coming to my bridge! Hahahaha!"
As he ran back, the middle goat had more messages.
The middle goat burst in.
"Shit, man, we got us a real problem.", blurted the middle goatman.
"Have I got to go sort out this shit myself. Is this one of those times when everyone goes, 'big brother, we can't handle shit, we need you to go superhero on this bitch', cause there ain't no motherfucker among you to be up for the job? What the fuck is this problem?", shouted the big goat.
"It's a troll, man. A real live troll. Living under the bridge.", replied the middle goat.
"Ain't no such thing. Not round here anyway. Well, we ain't got no food, we gotta go get some, my two pussy ass brothers can't do shit. No motherfucker gets in big goat's way, so big goat's gonna go do some shopping.", blurted the big goat.
"Man, he's twice the size of you, bro. There's got to be some other supermarket around. I mean, Jesus Christ, man, just leave him be. That's how he gets his kicks, we'll just go the long way round or something.", the middle goat pleaded.
The big goat announced, "No, I got a better idea. I pay this motherfucker one more motherfucking visit. I sort this motherfucker out, do the motherfucking shopping, come back to my motherfucking home and have you two motherfucking wait on me and cook me some motherfucking pie."
"So you gonna go tear him a new one?", the little goat piped.
"Pissed off I'ma tear him ten assholes.", replied the big goat.
The big goatman put on his goat, got the list and went out, storming off up to the bridge. Just before the bridge, the big goat stopped and shouted out:
"Now, I know you're all hearing and all, and you're all ready to do your insulting and shit, but you pissed off the wrong motherfucker. Now, the little one tells me you're watching me, but I can't see you. And this tells me, this asshole has a webcam. So if I were to place said webcam somewhere, I'd place it-"
The big goat saw a glint in his eye on a nearby tree. It was a little camera.
"There. Did you know I was a good aim?"
And the big goat picked up a rock, threw it at the webcam, smashing it to pieces.
He felt a vibrate from his phone, so he had a look.
The big goatman grinned.
"Well now", shouted the big goat, "It looks like I have your attention, so when do I get to see the dirty, unwashed, hideous troll my other little brother told me about? Who is this motherfucking filthy, lonely asshole on MY way to Super Hypermart?"
"It is I and you will fear me! I will come up there and kill you. You will tremble before me, as I easily tear you limb from limb. I will make you beg for death; and then I will eat you. And then I will eat your brothers too!", bellowed the Troll.
The big goatman was unfazed.
"Well, am I gonna have to wait for this or am I gonna have to come down there to fuck you up?", shouted the big goat back.
"You and your brave talk. You're all little things to me. Don't worry, I'm coming up. Death is on it's way.", the Troll boomed.
The big goat heard the Troll climb. He saw the hand rise, and soon it would be the head, so the big goat charged at full speed, head forward, and butted the Troll right in the face.
The Troll was stunned, dizzy and lost his grip and fell! Down the Troll went, crashing into the river, screaming out in pain.
"Ow! My head!", cried the Troll.
The goat carefully climbed down to the Troll, who couldn't get up. He stood by the river and the Troll.
"Now I'm gonna give you one chance to carefully- and I mean with some motherfucking thought and consideration- explain how this scenario can come to some beneficial conclusion. Do you understand this proposition?", the goat explained.
"This is my home. Nobody crosses my bridge! Ow, this really hurts.", the Troll complained. To which the big goat said:
"The way I see this, sunshine, it ain't no longer your bridge. You could have employed a little, say, entrepreneurial spirit and had a little business charging tolls, but you had a bridge that no motherfucker was allowed to cross. To me, that speaks selfishness. What you're gonna do, because this place ain't for you no more, is to walk. And keep on walking until you realise your place in life, and what new people are gonna make that for you. You don't spend your life hiding, you've got to be part of that world, and you've got to be someone who turns shit into sugar, make this goddamn planet a good place to live in. You've got to give and receive back; because, motherfucker, life ain't worth living if you feed on other's misery, 'cause there's a whole world of misery that needs motherfuckers like you to sort that out. And..."
"And what?", asked the Troll.
"Get yourself clean. Make yourself look good. I ain't gonna tell you any more how to live your life, you gotta do this yourself. Besides, I've got a family to feed, and I've got to get to Super Hypermart. Now I've got to deal with THAT shit. Don't let me see your ass round here again, we cool?"
"Yeah, we cool."
TH' END
